Serving Elderly Family & Friends
Scripture
Deuteronomy 5:16
[16] “‘Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you. (ESV)
Mark 7:8-13
[8] You leave the commandment of God and hold to the tradition of men.”
[9] And he said to them, “You have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God in order to establish your tradition! [10] For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.’ [11] But you say, ‘If a man tells his father or his mother, “Whatever you would have gained from me is Corban”’ (that is, given to God)—[12] then you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or mother, [13] thus making void the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And many such things you do.” (ESV)
1 Timothy 5:8
[8] But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (ESV)
Sermon Notes
Approximately 10,000 Baby Boomers turn 65 every day
By 2030, older adults will make up 20% of the American population—a big jump from today’s 13%. (eldercareworkforce.org)
Those who are aging face a time of uncertainty
Increased loss of life-long friends due to death, serious illness or moving away.
Limited income / decreased finances
Loss of influence – NOT as involved in the decision making process
Declining Health – “An estimated 90 percent of adults over 65 have one or more chronic condition, such as diabetes, heart disease, arthritis, depression, and hypertension.” (AARP)
Some significant accompanying concerns:
Higher likelihood of falling … often leading to a domino effect of other issues
Older people are often victims of fraud …
Increasing difficulty in managing medications
Not prepared for a crisis … especially requiring a sudden move
Memory loss
WHILE THE NEED FOR ELDER CARE IS INCREASING, THE RESOURCES FOR CARE GIVING ARE DECREASING.
“As previous AARP research has shown, we’re facing a caregiving cliff,” said Dr. Susan Reinhard, Senior Vice President and Director, AARP Public Policy Institute & Chief Strategist, Center to Champion Nursing in America. “By mid-century, there will only be three caregivers available for each person requiring care. That means we need to provide support for existing caregivers who are underserved by the current long-term services and support system to avoid putting them at higher risk as they age.”
Caring for aging parents and loved ones is often very stressful for the caregivers.
Caregivers who provide unpaid care for at least 21 hours per week report the highest stress of all caregiving groups, according to a 2015 report by the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP.
Even if your parent is in assisted living, your caregiving duties can include:
Scheduling appointments and coordinating with health care professionals
Monitoring your parent’s care at the facility or home
Handling emergency medical calls
Navigating stacks of insurance and medical bill
Home maintenance, lawn care, and household expenses
Meanwhile, you might still need to hold down a full-time job.
“When did I become the mother and the mother become the child?” Does it begin one night when you are asleep and your mother is restless? And you go in her room and tuck the blanket around her bare arms? Does it appear one afternoon when, in a moment of irritation, you snap, “How can I give you a home permanent if you won’t sit still?” Or did it come the rainy afternoon when you were driving home from the store and you slammed on your brakes, and your arms sprang protectively between her and the windshield… and your eyes met with a knowing, sad look. The transition comes slowly, as it began between her and her mother. The changing of power, the transferring of responsibility, the passing down of duty. Suddenly you are spewing out the familiar phrases learned at the knee of your mother. “Of course, you’re sick. Don’t you think I know when you’re not feeling well? “So where’s your sweater? You know how cold the stores get with the A/C.” “You look very nice today. Didn’t I tell you’d like that dress?” “Did you take your nap this morning?” And on the parents part rebellion.. “I’ll thank you to let me make my own decisions. I know when I’m tired! Stop treating me like some kind of child.” But that’s exactly what has happened. Slowly,almost imperceptibly. So you bathe and pat dry the body that once housed you. You spoon feed the lips that once kissed your cuts and bruises and made them “all better.” You never really thought it would be like this. Then one day while riding with your daughter, she slams on her brakes and her arm flies out instinctively in front of you. My….. so soon. That’s the love cycle of the family Don’t despise your parents when they are older.. accept, appreciate & affirm them. Honor your Mother and Father.” – Erma Bombeck
Some observation from men and women who have and are experiencing the care of elder parents.
Some may be able to life “independently” … with caring oversight that they continue to be able to manage necessary life activities (personal care, eating properly, management of medication, socialization, etc.)
For some, it may be taking direct care of aging parent by bringing them into your home for a season or for the rest of their lives.
For others, it may be better to provide professional caregiving in a facility or with an in home caregiver. Often the consistency of nutritious meals, medical oversight and additional socialization with other seniors can improve the quality and extend the length of an older parent’s life.
In any case, be your parent’s advocate.
“8 Things NOT To say to Your Aging Parents”
by Linda Bernstein
1. How can you not remember that?
2. You could do that if you really tried.
3. I just showed you how to use the DVR yesterday.
4. What does that have to do with what we are talking about?
5. You already told me that.
6. I want your silver tea service when you die.
7. Wake up! I thought you wanted to see this.
8. Hel-lo … your grandson’s name is Ryan.
The most important thing is to go out of your way to maintain good relationships. When dealing with elderly people your motto should be “Reframe … don’t blame” A slip of the tongue can unleash a world of hurt and ill-will.
PRACTICALLY REFLECT LOVE, GRACE AND THANKFULNESS FOR PAST
Sing Hymns – often the lyrics & melody are clear even to those whose memory is slipping
Read the Bible to them
Cards – read over and over
Physical touch – hugs, looking in the eye, tenderness
Talk about memories
Pictures – take back to past – try to find out where their comfort zone is
Presence – just being there is a powerful communication of love and respect
Assure … I will always take care of you (both ways)
PRACTICE PATIENCE AND FORGIVENESS
Parents may become more self-centered, demanding, and unappreciative
In many cases, there is NO FILTER … Don’t take it personally
Siblings … not everyone will be as interested or as involved … but will expect to be included in whatever inheritance there may be
SET BOUNDARIES FOR YOURSELF, YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR CHILDREN
Strive to take a longer range view of caregiving. It is not selfish for caregivers to establish personal limits as to what they can or cannot do. If a caregiver exhausts their health, finances and relationship with their spouse or their own children, how then will care be given.
Beware of a “false guilt” that can come from the expectations of others, from one’s own insecurities and/or even from Satan’s accusations.
Recognize that for most people there are financial limits to what we can/should spend for ongoing elder care.
Just as even Jesus took time apart from the multitudes to spend time alone with the Lord and/or with His inner circle of disciples, caregivers need to preserve some time away from caregiving responsibilities to be with their spouse, children and supportive friends.
Knowing that ongoing caregiving of parents and in-laws can strain even the strongest of marriages, spouses should see each other as allies rather than adversaries.
Generally, the son or daughter should take initiative to protect and guard their spouse from inappropriate expectations or behavior from their mother or father toward their son/daughter in law.
PROVIDING ELDER CARE CAN RESULT IN A RICHNESS OF RELATIONSHIP
• Joy of shared experiences … travel, daily routines, meals together, living in same home, time with grandkids, sharing of memories
• Watching others age well is encouraging. Aging well invariably involves a senior who focuses on:
o Their love for the Lord
o A genuine concern for the needs of others
o Choosing joy
• There may be a restored tenderness and intimacy
• Learn from their wisdom that has come from reading God’s word and from walking with Him for many years. Aging parents can be a wealth of information and experience. Don’t hesitate to ask questions like “What advice to you have for me?” When asked that question, one parent simply stated – “Stay Faithful”
• In some cases … parent becomes sweeter
• You have to be able to laugh … don’t take too seriously
CONCLUDING THOUGHTS
When we honor your mother and father – we are modeling for our children
Start NOW … Don’t wait until it is too late
• Take care of your own health … not to be a burden on children
• Make financial provisions for the future needs
• Honestly talk with parents and siblings about the future
Focus on doing what is right … because it is right, more than because a person “deserves” it.
Resources